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Early Warning Signs for Future Abuse
by A. Browne
Many of the behaviors that society socializes women to interpret as caring, attentive, and romantic are actually early warning signs for future abuse.
1. Intrusion
Examples: constant phone calls, showing up at a friend's house unexpectedly
At first this makes you feel missed and cared for, but in actuality, these are signs of his suspicion and distrust.
2. Isolation
Examples: calling friends "sluts," "stupid," or other derogatory names, discouraging you from keeping in touch with family, discouraging you from doing activities apart
This makes you feel wanted and needed because he devotes all his time to you. Actually, this cuts down on your resources (friends and family), so when you really need them, they may not be there.
3. Possession and Jealousy
Examples: "I want you to be all mine," "I don't want any other guys looking at you," "You look like a whore with all that makeup on."
This is treating you like an object, not a human being.
4. Prone to Anger
Examples: his anger is directed toward a pet, possessions, objects - he might kick your dog, tear up some of your pictures, you show up five minutes late and he is overly angry.
It is important not to ignore what may seem like small overreactions. It is not acceptable for someone to use aggression to get a point across. Just because men are almost expected to be more violent, it does not mean it's OK.
5. Unknown Pasts and Respect for Women
Example: "Women are good for only one thing," pinching your body parts when he knows you don't like that.
It is important to take the "mystery" out of his past, by talking to his ex-girlfriends. Be in touch with your feelings - how do you feel when he degrades women? By degrading women, he is also degrading you.
excerpted from When Battered Women Kill
distributed by the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
He constantly wants to know your whereabouts, who you were with, where you were going, when you are coming home.
Spending all or the majority of your time alone together, cutting you off from friends and family, making fun of any activities, books or clubs you are interested in.
Constant accusations of sexual interactions with anyone in your life (teachers, bosses, counselors, friends, etc.), accusing you of flirting, monitoring what you wear, how you wear it, how much makeup you put on.
Easily angered, quick mood changes, unpredictable behavior, anger out of proportion to the incident.
Do you know about his past girlfriends, his family upbringing, his relationships with his mother and other women? How does he refer to women "bitches," sex objects? Does he respect any women in his life? How do his friends look at women? Does he believe in stereotypic male/female roles?