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Common Questions About Abusers and Intervention Programs
from Domestic Violence: Facts for Women,
How would my partner get into an abuser's intervention program?
Most abusers who are in these programs are there because a court ordered them there. Many say they would never have entered the program without this order. Some abusers do want to stop being violent, and voluntarily go to a program. Unfortunately, others go in order to persuade their partners not to leave or to take them back. This is not a good reason. Unless an abuser is ordered to attend or is truly committed to ending their violence, they are unlikely to change their behavior.
Will he stop abusing if he attends an abuser's program?
Your partner can stop being violent and abusive if they decide they want to stop, get help and keep working at it. An abuser's intervention program is an important resource for your partner but does not guarantee that they will stop abusing and does not guarantee your safety. Many men who are attending or have attended a program continue to be violent and controlling. Many others drop out along the way.
My partner says he will get help for his drinking. If he stops drinking, will he stop being violent?
No. Alcohol and other drug abuse do not cause domestic violence. Abusers who drink or use drugs have two separate problems that need to be dealt with independently. Substance abuse is often used by partners as an excuse for their violence.
Even if your partner stops using alcohol or other drugs, they are likely to continue to be abusive without specific intervention for the violence. They may need substance abuse treatment separately.
What about marriage counseling? He says he won't go for help unless I go, too.
Domestic violence advocates advise abused women against attending couples counseling, family counseling and mediation programs while the violence is still going on. It may not be safe to express your feelings in front of someone who might hurt you later for what you've said. In fact, abused women consistently say that these kinds of counseling not only don't stop the violence, but often increase their danger. Violence must be treated as a separate issue. Going to counseling together suggests that you share responsibility for his violence — although you may be a part of the conflict in your relationship, you are never responsible for his violence.
If your partner is willing to get help for their violence separately or even if they are not, support and assistance are available to you.
by Kaiser Permanente